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Super Atomic Man Epic[]

It all started when our uber geek, Super Atomic Man, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly puzzled, Super Atomic Man punched a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved magic shield was missing! Immediately he called his enemy in training, Rainbow Girl. Super Atomic Man had known Rainbow Girl for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Rainbow Girl was unique. She was outgoing though sometimes a little... clueless. Super Atomic Man called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Rainbow Girl picked up to a very happy Super Atomic Man. Rainbow Girl calmly assured him that most venomous koalas sigh before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually exotically panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Super Atomic Man. Why was Rainbow Girl trying to distract Super Atomic Man? Because she had snuck out from Super Atomic Man's with the magic shield only eight days prior. It was a enchanting little magic shield... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Super Atomic Man got back to the subject at hand: his magic shield. Rainbow Girl yawned. Relunctantly, Rainbow Girl invited him over, assuring him they'd find the magic shield. Super Atomic Man grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Rainbow Girl realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the magic shield and she had to do it recklessly. She figured that if Super Atomic Man took the time machine, she had take at least six minutes before Super Atomic Man would get there. But if he took the flying lawn chair? Then Rainbow Girl would be really screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Rainbow Girl was interrupted by seven insensitive crickets that were lured by her magic shield. Rainbow Girl yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling pleased, she aimlessly reached for her carrot and randomly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the flying lawn chair rolling up. It was Super Atomic Man.


As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Super Atomic Man was out of the flying lawn chair and went wildly jaunting toward Rainbow Girl's front door. Meanwhile inside, Rainbow Girl was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the magic shield into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her elephant. Rainbow Girl was displeased but at least the magic shield was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Rainbow Girl exotically purred. With a careful push, Super Atomic Man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling flaming idiot in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Rainbow Girl assured him. Super Atomic Man took a seat ridiculously unclose to where Rainbow Girl had hidden the magic shield. Rainbow Girl panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Super Atomic Man was distracted. As if it really mattered Rainbow Girl noticed a insensitive look on Super Atomic Man's face. Super Atomic Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Rainbow Girl felt a stabbing pain in her shin when Super Atomic Man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the magic shield right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Super Atomic Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Super Atomic Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Rainbow Girl could react, Super Atomic Man carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The magic shield was plainly in view.

Super Atomic Man stared at Rainbow Girl for what what must've been five seconds. A few freaknasty minutes later, Rainbow Girl groped scandalously in Super Atomic Man's direction, clearly desperate. Super Atomic Man grabbed the magic shield and bolted for the door. It was locked. Rainbow Girl let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Super Atomic Man,' she rebuked. Rainbow Girl always had been a little selfish, so Super Atomic Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Rainbow Girl did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his magic shield tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Rainbow Girl looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Super Atomic Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Super Atomic Man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Rainbow Girl walked over to the window and looked down. Super Atomic Man was gone.


Just yonder, Super Atomic Man was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Rainbow Girl's place. Super Atomic Man had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral crickets suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the magic shield. One by one they latched on to Super Atomic Man. Already weakened from his injury, Super Atomic Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of crickets running off with his magic shield.

But then God came down with His outgoing smile and restored Super Atomic Man's magic shield. Feeling pleased, God smote the crickets for their injustice. Then He got in His rice rocket and blasted away with the fortitude of 200,000 albino cats running from a enormous pack of man-eating capybaras. Super Atomic Man danced with joy when he saw this. His magic shield was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eleven minutes his favorite TV show, Golden Girls, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet gun'). Super Atomic Man was jubilant. And so, everyone except Rainbow Girl and a few hand grenade-toting spotted wolf hamsters lived blissfully happy, forever after.